A Grand Re-Opening

I think I may have this completely wrong, but I thought I would run it through this wringer anyways, just to see how it goes. Isn't seeing or hearing about an occasion that really made you feel bad happen to someone else supposed to make you feel a little bit better? Isn't it supposed to ease the hardship of it all, knowing that you're not the only one that this has happened to. Is it supposed to be a comfort in relation to another human being?

Whatever it is, it's crap. You know, if what I was rambling on about there was actually real.

I've really been feeling like shit lately. I have really hit some lows that I haven't hit in a long while. This whole depression thing really hasn't been a lot of fun. Back in my younger days, when I was befallen by the same affliction, I could always say to myself that there was some good in having this sort of pain and despair. It really helps to distinguish the really good things in your life, but I'm really beginning to think that I've told myself a whole shitload of bollocks, because it's really made me much more cold and cynical.

There were a couple hopeful instances of possibly turning it all around, but those had quickly faded away into desperate long shots that I was just not desperate enough to take. I've been finding more solace in characters that are more solitary in their ways, trying to move through the world with a cold abandon, slowly trying to peel away the layers that make me human. Talk about a tricky process.

For every layer you peel away from yourself, you have to prop it up with something cold and solid, but in this mind, all I have are large ice cubes, which are prone to melting at the first sign of warmth, causing the layers to fall back down on me. Sure, there's a sort of pleasure having that warmth around you, a certain comfort comes from it and you can smile with that shit-eating grin. The layers don't seem very heavy when they make you feel oh so good.

Soon enough, the warmth will disappear for me. I'm sure you can say that it's by my own subconscious design. In the metaphorical sense, I probably have my feet poking outside the covers (or layers), just to keep some sort of temperature control and when it gets to warm, I like to throw the covers off and try and live in the cool, bitter night.

Well, once I had quite a few of my layers peeled away and propped up, still rather depressed, but at least becoming one with the cold again, I had to go ahead and watch (500) Days of Summer, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel... it's movies like that which set me back a few steps. It really doesn't provide me with any warmth, but more of a reason to peel back those layers even faster and be one completely without human emotion. The feelings that you really want to put to an end even faster than they came. Don't get me wrong, the movie was done really well and really well told, but despite the message of maybe changing means to the desired end, rather than the desired end itself, I can't get past the way I feel.

I'm not meant to win in this life. The means to which I came to this conclusion was my overall downfall. I continue to think way too much and there is obviously no way to try and stop thinking. I've found different and more interesting things to think about, but there is always some straying back to what got me to where I was in the first place... more depression.

All this thinking just begot more thinking. It's a horrible, horrible curse. Some people say things when they don't think... some is good, some isn't so much. I just don't know how it all goes down. The old addage of 'think before you speak' always seems to stay with me... it sticks to my mouth so well that it keeps my lips together and now I don't say things at all in some situations. I try to question the appropriate nature of things said and I know I'm just bursting out with a whole bunch of everything... but that's for another time and another place. I'll keep bottling it up until I have enough for the whole world. I'll be a worldwide success with my bottled nature.

Pre-Midnight Thoughts

In the end, I never fail to amaze myself. No, wait, I don't think that is the right choice of words. Let me start again...

In the end, I never cease to amaze myself how I choose to defy what is expected of me. I suppose I could have finished that sentence properly the first time, but nevertheless.

If there is. Wait, I'm doing it again. There are many things I have learned about myself, which I am not proud of. That's the whole learning part. I'm not proud about learning about myself or thinking too much. I have learned that I am terrible, I mean horrible, at picking up social situations with women.

Yes, I have done myself in with yet another girl, which, by the account of Gerald, could and should have been a lock. No, my head over-analyzed and under-performed in a myriad of chances.

Bachelorhood is my destiny.

In actual fact, I seem to be more and more okay with this proposition, as I'm not terrinly upset by it all. I know, in the past I would have been fairly beside myself, but no. It's business as usual over here.

I have come to a conclusion that I want nothing good for myself. Maybe something new in the employment department, as my job has grown awfully stale. Not quitw the market for something new though. Shitty. But that is besides the point.

You can choose your own destiny in life, don't think about it, whatever you do. Just do it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

The best of intentions mean nothing to me. Period.

"I got a chance to close a deal, what?"

Yeah, that is me patiently awaiting something that'll never come. It has to be a plus that I realize that, right?

Wow. Yeah, I'm admittedly pretty sad about that.

I know my own limitations and hearing in a pub/bar is one of them. Frankly, I'll score tonight as a huge miss and just try to kill any feeling from here on in.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

You know what I find strange? When people start being "in like" with other people (sorry for the poor tween lingo) and say that they can't stop thing about that other person... they automatically assume that they somehow fell in love with that person. I find that strange, don't you?

Unfortunately for me, I'm way too much of a thinker and therefore, over-thinking someone or something is par for the course. I know, for a fact, that I will think about a new fancy for way more than I possibly should, so now I try to make a concerted effort not to. Guess how well that goes.

I suppose when you think too much, you're not going to give away emotions. That being said, you've likely done so before to negative results, kinda like I have.

There are more than a few days where I have wished for less thinking capacity, but then I think of all the messes I would have gotten myself into. I, for one, knows what happens when I stop thinking (due to the glug, glug) and sometimes it isn't preferred. Thankfully, not too regretful, but still overly silly.

Knowing a bad idea and trying not to think is what I have to deal with. Sometimes its good, other times I wonder. I suppose I have to ask, "does thinking have any effect on luck or does it create its own luck?"


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Some days, I really make myself wonder.

It's a strange and renewed feeling of optimism you feel when you've had nine beers, hop into bed and have a fan blowing fresh air into your face. All your bird-brained ideas seem good. You can't possibly go wrong.

Thankfully, I've done nothing of the sorts, although I'm tempted, of doing absolutely stupid with my CrackBerry tonight.

I have been thinking quite fondly of my neighbour, seeing her on a friendly basis for the last week or so. I know there should be a little more to it, but the last few years of conditioning to heartbreak and such makes me shy away like a kid, a fork and an outlet.

Nevertheless, I have kept myself in check tonight, despite my best efforts not to and will head into this long weekend away with a clear conscience... ish.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network